DOES YOUR PROGRAMMING HAVE BUGS IN IT?

(Funny ad I wrote on Craig's List. I had a following of readers who loved to read my ads weekly)

Does your programming have bugs in it? My software has been patched and updated since my divorce 6 years ago and also has back up files better known as "I have moved on" version 2.0 If your programming has encountered a virus, try downloading "Majorly Passionate Woman" Version 2.2 to your hard drive and if it doesn't burn up your files caused by heat exhaustion or majorly passionate overload, then continue to copy the files to your floppy. You may contact technical support on their website at "w w w.My Baby's on Fire dot com." or you may call "1-800 I cannot believe how hot you are" 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

My files consist of the following libraries:
Tall - 5'10
44 Megabytes of memory
No kids (but my files are very user friendly to those versions of software that already have kids)
I have Java backup files that allow the user to enjoy the outdoors, opera, plays, beach, sporting events, passion under the moonlight, romance!!

CAUTION: Due to the passionate turbo overdrive files, be sure to download to your hard drive on a daily basis or you may encounter "HOLY SHIT 911" and need back-up technical support.

Due to the C++ special programming, this version of the software is not compatible with "Separated, Married or in a Relationship" software programs. Please add the "reconciliation, lets work out our problems" software program before compromising any former data. Failure to do so would cause your hard drive to crash and burn and cause the auto pilot program to kick in better known as the "My attorney is going to eat you for dinner" program.

I WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS

(Funny ad I wrote on Craig's List. I had a following of people who loved to read my ads)

The aliens are coming!!! No, that is not the same thingy as the "British are Coming" Martians do not speak with an accent, nor do they drive on the wrong side of the road. As I approached I could barely see through the thick 420 smoke filled spaceship. You could clearly tell they already stopped off in Santa Cruz before making their way to Capitola. As the smoke cleared I was approached by the captain of the spaceship. He looked like a cross between John McCain and George Bush however being the alien seemed to shave his legs, wore glasses, and was wearing a ribbon that said "Miss Alaska Beauty Queen" on it. I could only conclude that he was a Republican cross dresser from the planet "Econobankruptia" which is in the Galaxy of "Disaster with No Recovery." The Captain's name was "Maverick" As we began to speak he mentioned they were on their way to Alaska to pick up some more 420 from his girlfriend Sarah's daughter, and then headed off to Russia being her house is in very close proximity to Russia and only separated by a very small maritime border. I told "Maverick" I want to go with you, however here are the top 5 reasons the alien "Maverick" decided NOT to abduct me.

1. I was too passionate and would create a meltdown between all the other Martians

2. I don't smoke 420

3. I am a Democrat (might be re-thinking this one too. Might go Independent now) LOL!

4. I am 5'10, 44, divorced, and fit. Most aliens are short computer geeks that eat Sushi and Curry and live in "Silicon Going Down the Drain Valley"

5. I drive a Prius and not a spaceship

Here are the top reasons I gave them as to why they would see me as an asset to their crew

1. I am very athletic and can help catch those dodging the aircraft!

2. I am not Martha Stewart, but I do keep a clean ship!

3. I am not clingy like saran wrap and do not intrude on your O-Zone Layer

4. I make one hell of a mean Martians delight casserole! with extra green stuff on the side of course!

They told me not enough of the crew voted in my favor so I demanded a recount! They took off like a flash!

HOUSTON WE HAVE LIFTOFF!

(Funny ad I wrote on Craig's List)

Thank you for flying "Board at Your Own Risk" Airlines. You are a member of our new "Mile High" Club. Here is what your platinum membership includes:

Your very own personal flight attendant

5'10, Tall Fit and Fabulous

In the event of an emergency she will make sure you make it to the emergency exits first, by removing all obstacles including other passengers in your path to safety

WARNING: In the event the cabin loses pressure airbags will deploy, however your flight attendant will give you mouth to mouth resuscitation.

In the event you need a Dr. She will play Dr. on top of you.

In the event we make a water landing, your flight attendant will become your cruise director and bring you a margarita on the Promina Deck.

No smoking is permitted anywhere in the aircraft. Heavy breathing and heat exhaustion are only permitted in the Lavatories.

Your captain and co-pilot flying today are The Captain and Tennille and are graduates of the "What does this button do?" academy. Please make sure your seat belt is securely fastened or your flight attendant can come and tie you up (OOPS) secure it for you. All tray tables and lap dances must be completed before take off.

Thank you for choosing "Board at Your Own Risk" Airlines. We know you will enjoy your flight attendant!

DO YOU HAVE E-HARM-ROID IDUS?
(Funny ad I wrote on Craig's list)

Do you have E-harm roid idus? Does your ass ache every time you see one of those E-harmony commercials? Then you are in need of the following new service called "It's just a disaster" dating service.

What our service provides:

We set you up with the biggest losers on this planet.

We make sure that we charge you a huge amount of money and deliver what you could already find by yourself for free on Craig's List.

We do not allow you to see your date's picture before hand, as we want to make that lasting impression on you when you see your date for the first time.

We make sure your date is even more incompatible with you then your ex could ever be.

We make sure that your date is a successful professional and has at least made it through grade school.

We set up the date for you and wait patiently for your call back telling us we "failed again."

If you are tired of paying through the nose (more than alimony) for services that never come through and want to date someone that is real and not trying to send you to websites, or sell you prescriptions at a discount, then here are the following stats:

5'10 Tall, fit and fabulous.

44, just like fine wine; aged to perfection

loves to laugh.

Does NOT have the "I Think I love You" Syndrome.

Does not intrude on the "O Zone Layer" and can balance a busy schedule along with global warming.

Has a PASSION FLAME that is eternal.